Thrive Initiative Blog

Talking to children about bullying can be difficult for parents and children alike. While children may want to discuss bullying with their parents, they may struggle to find the words to start the conversation. Some children might fear they will get “in trouble” for what they’ve done, seen, or experienced. Others may feel embarrassed or ashamed. Parents may also find this topic challenging, especially if they carry unresolved feelings regarding bullying from their own childhood experiences.
There are various ways that you, as a parent, can start a conversation about bullying with your child regardless of whether the discussion will be a preventive measure or will address a current situation.
Let’s begin by defining bullying. Then, we’ll explore strategies parents can use as they talk about bullying with their children.

What is Bullying?

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior that involves a real or perceived power imbalance, and the behavior is repeated over time (Stopbullying.gov, 2024). An imbalance of power could be physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity. Many definitions of bullying suggest that it involves peer-to-peer aggression. However, harassment can also come from family members, teachers, or other adults and can originate from an individual or a whole group. (Clearinghouse for Military Family Readiness at Penn State, 2023).

Most reported bullying occurs at school, and it creates a common disciplinary issue in schools. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (2024), a national survey found that bullying was reported to have occurred at least once a week in 28% of middle schools, 15% of high schools, and 10% of elementary schools. The most common forms of bullying were spreading rumors and being made fun of or called names according to students who experienced various types of bullying (National Center for Education Statistics, 2024). Bullying can occur on playgrounds or in parks, on buses, during extracurricular activities, in neighborhoods, and online (Stopbullying.gov, 2024).

Types of Bullying Behaviors (Stopbullying.gov, 2024):

• Verbal (i.e., saying or writing mean or hurtful comments)
  • Examples of verbal bullying include aggressive teasing, name-calling, taunting, and threatening to cause harm.
•  Social/Relational (i.e., hurting someone’s relationships and/or reputation)
  • Examples of social bullying can include spreading rumors, excluding others, discouraging friendships, and publicly embarrassing someone.
• Physical (i.e., harming someone’s body or possessions/property)
  • Physical bullying can include hitting, kicking, pinching, spitting, tripping, pushing, taking or damaging belongings, and making inappropriate gestures.
• Cyber (i.e., hurtful behavior that occurs online or through text messages or email)
  • Cyberbullying can include posting secrets or rumors on social media sites, sharing embarrassing pictures or videos, making fake profiles or websites, and hacking into someone’s gaming or social networking profile.

What Bullying is Not

Not all conflicts or negative interactions are bullying. However, if harmful behaviors continue after the individual has been asked to stop, this person’s actions may become bullying. Situations that may be mistaken for bullying can include the following:

• One-time disagreements or arguments, such as misunderstandings between friends or peers;
• Accidental harm, such as someone unintentionally bumping into another person;
• Standing up or advocating for oneself, such as defending personal boundaries or respectfully expressing frustration;
• Mutual teasing that involves playful, equal participation and stops immediately if someone expresses feelings of hurt or if someone indicates they feel targeted.

Understanding the difference between bullying and typical conflict can help children recognize when they should seek help.

Strategies for Talking with Your Child about Bullying

Talking about bullying should not be a one-time discussion. Instead, have multiple conversations about bullying and inquire about your child’s daily life, thoughts, and feelings. These ongoing conversations can demonstrate to your child that you are available and want to listen to them, and you will offer help and support when needed. Encourage your child to come to you for advice and help on tough decisions by using the following strategies.

Establish open lines of communication

Spend 15 minutes a day, every day, talking with your child. When you spend time listening to and interacting with your child, you are creating a connection, and you are reassuring your child that they can talk to you if they have a problem. Initiate talks in the car, before or after homework, over dinner or breakfast, or when participating in an activity or household chore together. Actively listen and ask questions to show that you are interested in their life. Keep conversations casual and curious.
You can start discussions about daily life and feelings with questions such as the following:

• What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
• What would you change about today if you could?
• What’s the funniest thing that happened today?
• Is there anything you’re looking forward to this week?
• What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
• What is it like to ride the school bus?
• What are you good at? What do you like best about yourself?
• Has anything been on your mind lately?
• How are things going with your friends? Is there anyone you’re spending more time with lately?
• Who is your favorite teacher? What is it like in his or her class?

Normalize difficult conversations

Having difficult conversations in a positive way with your child helps them understand that they can talk to you about anything, even the tough topics. Initiate conversations early and often on serious topics such as inappropriate touching, drug use, and internet safety. Use scenarios on television shows, in movies, in books, and on news reports, or use familiar situations in the lives of friends and family as starting points

Some questions you can use to begin the conversation may include the following:

• What do you think about what happened in that story/movie/show?
• That character had to make a tough decision. What would you have done differently?
• There was a story in the news about kids dealing with online safety issues. What do you think are good rules for being safe online?
• If a friend told you they felt uncomfortable because of how someone touched them, what would you say or do?
• Vaping and using other substances are becoming more common in schools. What have you heard about them?
• Is there anything you’ve seen or heard that made you curious or confused?

Talk about bullying directly

Talking about bullying directly can help you understand how the issue might be affecting your child. You can bring up the subject of bullying as if it were a news item or a subject you want to learn more about. Explain what bullying is (see definition above) and what it is not (see examples above). Assure your child that they are not alone in experiencing and, then, addressing problems that arise.

Try using some of the following questions to start conversations about bullying:

• What does bullying mean to you?
• Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully other people?
• Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
• Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
• Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to talking about situations like bullying?
• Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happened again?

Role-play bullying scenarios with your child

Practicing how to handle bullying situations with your child can help them feel more prepared and confident in dealing with bullying if it happens in real life. Use the examples offered below with your child. Then, try using a variety of scenarios to help your child feel comfortable with different responses.

Scenario 1: Responding to Name-Calling or Insults

Parent: Let’s say you’re at school and someone calls you a name, like “nerd.” How would you respond?

Child: (Practices response)

Parent: Good! You can say, “I don’t like that” and walk away. Now let’s try again, but, this time, I’ll be the person calling you names. You stand tall, take a deep breath, and say, “That’s not cool, please stop.”

Scenario 2: Dealing with Pushing or Tripping

Parent: Let’s pretend you’re walking down the hallway, and someone pushes you. How do you react?

Child: (Practices response)

Parent: Remember, you can say, “Don’t touch me!” and step back to create space. Now let’s practice. If I push you, you step back and say, “Stop that! Don’t touch me again.”

Scenario 3: Responding When Friends Encourage Bad Behavior

Parent: Imagine your friend wants you to join in and make fun of another student. How would you respond?

Child: (Practices response)

Parent: You could say, “I don’t think that’s right. I’m not going to be part of that.” Let’s role-play. I’ll be the friend asking you to make fun of someone, and you respond like you just said.

Additional scenarios you could practice with your child might include responding to cyberbullying, asking for help from a trusted adult, setting personal boundaries, and standing up for a friend.

Share about your experiences with bullying

As a parent, you can empathize with your child by sharing an age-appropriate story about bullying that you experienced or witnessed. Talk about how you felt (e.g., distressed, awkward, scared, upset, uncertain) and what you did, or wish you would have done, about the situation. Examine the situation with the new knowledge or perspective you may now have as an adult, and let your child ask questions. You can start the conversation by saying, “Hey, did I tell you about…?”

Telling vs. Tattling: Provide examples of when children should seek help

Children need to understand the difference between telling and tattling. A helpful guideline is that telling is meant to protect yourself or someone else from harm. Tattling is done to get someone in trouble for minor issues. Encourage your child to talk to a trusted adult—and tell—if they are being bullied or if they witness others being bullied. Adults can offer comfort, support, and guidance, even if they can’t directly solve the problem. Remember, some bullying situations require immediate action and intervention! Share these examples with your child and stress that they should always seek adult help right away in these cases:

• A weapon is involved.
• There are threats of serious physical harm.
• There are threats of hate-motivated violence.
• Serious bodily injury has occurred.
• There is sexual abuse.
• Someone is accused of committing an illegal act, such as robbery or using force to get money, property, or services.

When you Suspect your Child is the Bully

While parents recognize their child may be bullied at some point, they may be less likely to consider that their child could be the one engaging in bullying behavior. Children and teenagers who feel secure and supported by their family, school, and peers are less likely to participate in bullying (Stopbullying.gov, 2021). However, there may be other factors or reasons that an individual engages in bullying behaviors, such as the following:

• Wants to gain or maintain social power or fit in with a peer group.
• Has been exposed to authoritarian, reactive, or overly lenient parenting or has experienced low parental involvement.
• Has faced or suffered personal experiences of past or ongoing bullying.
• Has feelings of insecurity or low self-esteem—bullying can make a person feel more powerful.
• Experiences difficulty understanding or managing emotions.
• Lacks the social skills to handle interactions in positive, healthy ways.
• Attends(ed) schools where bullying and behavioral issues are(were) not properly addressed.
• Experiences exclusion, rejection, or social stigma at school.

Steps to Respond to Bullying Behavior

If you know or suspect that your child is engaging in bullying, you must respond. Talking with your child about their unwanted behavior may be an uncomfortable and even difficult conversation for you to have. Model appropriate behaviors, such as remain calm, show empathy and respect, and actively listen. You can use the following steps to talk to your child about their bullying behavior (Clearinghouse for Military Family Readiness at Penn State, 2023):

1. Find a private space to have the conversation, such as in your living room or your child’s bedroom. Set a time limit for the discussion if you think the conversation may become heated for you and/or your child.
2. Initiate the conversation with your child. You might say, “I know this is hard to talk about, but I want to understand what happened, so we can work through it together.” Tell your child that you care about them and are willing to listen.
3. Give your child a chance to share their perspective. Children may feel defensive or uncomfortable so focus on connection rather than criticism.
4. After your child has shared their version of the incident, summarize what they’ve said. This sets the tone for a productive conversation and reinforces that you care about them and want to understand the situation.
5. Ask clarifying questions to learn how the situation occurred. This may help you determine why your child chose to exhibit unwanted or harmful behavior.
6. Help your child reflect on how they felt at different points in the incident. Understanding these choice points can help them develop their self-awareness and learn to inhibit impulses in the future.
7. Wrap up the conversation and reiterate to your child that you love them. Let them know that there will be more discussion about the incident and their behavior, but, for now, you and your child can take some time to process the conversation you have had.

After the conversation with your child, there will likely be a need for repairs (e.g., apologies, amends) and consequences related to the behavior. However, these next steps do not have to happen in the same sitting. You and your child can work together to determine what needs to be addressed and repaired and with whom. Consequences for bullying behavior may be natural, logical, or even legal, but they should always be enforceable. Avoid humiliation, shaming, or forced interactions as these interventions are generally ineffective (Clearinghouse for Military Family Readiness at Penn State, 2023). For additional information related to repair and consequences and other bullying-related topics, you may want to participate in the Harmful Behaviors: Recognize. Respond. Repair. supplemental module.